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One by one a drink is spilled
Making everyone still
As if someone was eating my friend bill
I wake up from my dream
to hear a loud scream
We land down in Rio
With many people protesting
I feel that I might be one them
Stuck in a beautiful City
8 comments:
Hi Pote!
I really like your poem. I think it is more creative and interesting than my poem. Great job on it. Keep it up.
Daniel
Hmm, Pote. This is a very stirring poem! As I was reading it I felt like I was on the airplane with you. It sounds to me as though you would prefer not to go to Rio. Did I interpret your poem correctly?
Cheers, Rachel
Hello Pote, your poem is really creative. It looks like you are good at making up poems. Keep on working hard.
Hi Pote,
I really enjoyed your poem you showed not tell and thats what made it so interesting. If felt like I was there with you. I really like the picture you chose. Great work.
Hi Pote
I would agree with Rachel but despite all that you have made a good creative poem with show not tell like how Nesi said.
Mia
Hey Pote,
think this is Haiku. Am I correct? Anyway, you have done really well with words, except maybe for the part about you're friend Bill. Maybe you should change to something more... nicer.
Keep it up,
Thomas
Hehe, Pote, I think that Thomas has made a good point about your friend 'Bill' in the poem. The poor guy - no one wants to be eaten! I like the way that Thomas suggested that you could modify the poem by adding something nicer. Hmmm, what could you add instead of a reference to eating Bill? What about changing the word 'Bill' to a food like 'dill' or an item like a 'pill.' Would that work?
Keep up the great work. I find your posts really entertaining!
Cheers,
Rachel :)
Hi Pote,
I'm a bit late to the party but goodness, this is a lot of comments! You've really engaged other students to comment on your poem. To reply to Thomas, who asked if it was a haiku - it's unlikely that this is a haiku for the poem is more than three lines and the syllables are longer than what's needed in a haiku. It's kinda like this:
Dude, this poem's sweet
That bit about protesting
Pretty topical
There we go.
-Willy
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