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Monday, 11 July 2016

The Rio Poem:

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One by one a drink is spilled
Making everyone still
As if someone was eating my friend bill
I wake up from my dream 
to hear a loud scream
We land down in Rio
With many people protesting
I feel that I might be one them
Stuck in a beautiful City

8 comments:

daniel said...

Hi Pote!
I really like your poem. I think it is more creative and interesting than my poem. Great job on it. Keep it up.
Daniel

Rachel Williamson said...

Hmm, Pote. This is a very stirring poem! As I was reading it I felt like I was on the airplane with you. It sounds to me as though you would prefer not to go to Rio. Did I interpret your poem correctly?

Cheers, Rachel

aminiasi said...

Hello Pote, your poem is really creative. It looks like you are good at making up poems. Keep on working hard.

Nesi said...

Hi Pote,

I really enjoyed your poem you showed not tell and thats what made it so interesting. If felt like I was there with you. I really like the picture you chose. Great work.

Mia said...

Hi Pote

I would agree with Rachel but despite all that you have made a good creative poem with show not tell like how Nesi said.

Mia

Thomas said...

Hey Pote,
think this is Haiku. Am I correct? Anyway, you have done really well with words, except maybe for the part about you're friend Bill. Maybe you should change to something more... nicer.
Keep it up,
Thomas

Rachel Williamson said...

Hehe, Pote, I think that Thomas has made a good point about your friend 'Bill' in the poem. The poor guy - no one wants to be eaten! I like the way that Thomas suggested that you could modify the poem by adding something nicer. Hmmm, what could you add instead of a reference to eating Bill? What about changing the word 'Bill' to a food like 'dill' or an item like a 'pill.' Would that work?

Keep up the great work. I find your posts really entertaining!

Cheers,
Rachel :)

Willy L said...

Hi Pote,

I'm a bit late to the party but goodness, this is a lot of comments! You've really engaged other students to comment on your poem. To reply to Thomas, who asked if it was a haiku - it's unlikely that this is a haiku for the poem is more than three lines and the syllables are longer than what's needed in a haiku. It's kinda like this:

Dude, this poem's sweet
That bit about protesting
Pretty topical

There we go.
-Willy

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